Erin's Journal

6:39AM - eh?

where am I and how did I end up here?

7:58PM - Interesting...

How to make a Erin

Ingredients: 3 parts intelligence 1 part silliness 5 parts instinct

Method: Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add a little lovability if desired!

7:51PM - ROAD TRIP!

I have made probably one of the scariest and most awesome decisions in my life, which is to leave my mom and my comfort zone and move out to San Diego, as most of you already know. Since I will be driving my Explorer with all my cats out there, I have to minimize what I'm taking; a.k.a., no furniture, a few rubbermaid tubs, and some clothes. There goes all my beloved crap I have collected over the years.

Regardless of the fact that I feel like a deer in headlights, I'm excited. I have dreamed about living by the beach and I will get to see my best friend on a daily basis instead of once a year.

Is it pathetic that I've already packed a lot of my stuff and I don't leave until May?

1:31PM - Just for you, Bob!

Busy, busy Erin.

I found out I graduate in February instead of June because I tested out of Word Processing because I'm awesome.

I managed to get one kitty closer to crazy cat lady status...a woman brought him into the vet's office and he needed one of his eyes removed, so we dubbed him "One-Eyed Willie" after the pirate in "The Goonies." He is #7.

I'm struggling to get used to having a husband instead of a wife. A lot. This is so not politically correct, but this is my damn journal: testosterone = poopiehead.

I'm...I don't know what I am. Lost? Confused? In need of more Prozac?

I'm questioning some of my choices thus far in life.

I need a beer.

9:14PM - Erin lives!!!

You Are An Ash Tree

You are vivacious and impulsive, which makes you extremely attractive to many. Intelligent and demanding, you don't care much for criticism. You have a ton of ambition and talent, and sometimes money rules your heart. You like to play with fate, and you can be very egotistical and restless. Demanding of attention, you need love and a lot of emotional support.

Hmmm...

Another semester has gone by. Two more to go. Life has been busy with school and work. Lots to write about, I'm just lacking the ambition I'm apparently supposed to have.

11:44PM - "The power of Christ compels you!"

We went to the "Scary Church" today...a friend of ours has been nagging for us to go to her pentecostal church for a while now, and we finally (reluctantly) agreed, as she was performing in the service. They believe gays, masturbation and anti-depressants are bad...um, yeah. Great.

For starters, I can't stand church services that last more then an hour, this one went on for over three. Then you throw in the whole pentecostal aspect-speaking in tongues, dancing, healing. If you ask me, Jesus would've been embarassed. I begged Rach/Alex to let me try speaking in tongues, you know like in "Saved." Myypussssyyyyyishoooooot!!! I was told no :o(

After the service, our friend had wanted us to go to lunch with her and two of the pastors, a husband and wife. So there, in the Great China Buffet, we discussed the evil entity that is the homosexual lifestyle. They started off asking me questions, because Alex is not always the most approachable person at first. But I'm steadfast in my opinions; quite frankly, I've heard it all before and I didn't want to again. I used to say that crap myself. Plus, I find it annoying when asked, "How did you come to know Jesus?" when trying to enjoy my MSG. That is such a complicated question that I'm not even sure I have an answer for anyway; even if I did, I certainly would not be sharing it with people that probably give monetary gifts to Focus on the Family. They gave up and moved onto Alex, who enjoys and is great at debating with preacher-folk.

They pretty much said that we were demon-possessed and Alex should try some healing/repentance thing or whatever. He should also try speaking in tongues for a more enriching spiritual experience. They even prayed over us to be healed before we left.

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Apparently, no demons were expelled from my body. Boobies still float my boat. I took my Prozac tonight and maybe I'll even touch myself just for sheer spite. I did refrain from ripping a Bush sticker off a car, though.

If anything, my anger and contempt for church and the fake people that attend it bubbled over.

*GRRR*

3:21PM - summer of '99

I heard the song "Iris" by the Goo Goo Dolls on the radio this afternoon, and it reminded me of The Summer of Rach and all the memories...

...holding him at night and singing Sarah to help him fall asleep.
...feeling for the first time that somebody knew me, REALLY knew me, and loved me anyway.
...thinking "who needed men?" when best friends were so amazing.
...afternoon picnics.
...watching thunderstorms.
...being able to be with someone and not having to say a thing.
...innocence.
...going skinny-dipping.
...inside jokes.

I think I fell in love with him all over again.

7:12PM - stupid EBI

No longer do we get access to our e-mail accounts on the EBI computers.

EBI sucks :oÞ

12:51AM

Rachel came in this morning from checking the mail and screamed like a banshee - the T had arrived.

So we read up some more on injections online and then I gave it to him.

It's refreshing to see him this happy.

Rach and I had a discussion on depth last night: what defines someone being a "deep person", the different types of depth, etc. He thinks I'm afraid of being deep to a certain degree.

Maybe he's right.

9:12PM - the testosterone chronicles

We drove down to Philly yesterday. We left around 6, got there around 10. The drive there wasn't too bad; we didn't get lost, which is a bonus :o) The drive home seemed a lot longer.

We found out when we got into the clinic that Rach's psych part of the appointment had been rescheduled for 1 since his clinician appoinment was scheduled for 2:30-thanks for giving us the message, MOM :oP But it worked out because we got to walk around, eat some Indian food (YAY!), and find this fabric store that was having a good sale, which of course led to Rach having to buy me some ;o)

Got back and met Dr. Sue. Very warm and compassionate person. Talked to both of us, treated me like I was going through the transition as well, which I am. Then the clinician, just going over how much T and when. I am very pleased with Rach's pick.

I tried reallyreallyreally hard yesterday to be more supportive than I have been, which actually made it easier on myself, if that makes any sense. I am very proud of Rach for taking this prodigious step for himself.

So now we wait for the T to get here and then we can see where we need to go from there :o)

3:58AM - here's my survey, because I have nothing else exciting to write about...

I know most of the people that check out my journal got this in an e-mail...but so be it. I don't care. And I'm talking to you, Robinson :oP

1. WHOLE NAME? Erin Leigh Monell

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? you had to ask...my mother liked the name Erin from "The Walton's" (WTF?!) and Leigh was my grandfather's middle name

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? hmm...about 2 days ago, I think

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? only when I write neatly

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCHMEAT? when I'm eating meat, roast beef

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? I think so

7. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? yes, and Robinson thinks it's boring...but he's a dork

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? yes, unless the aliens have taken them without my knowledge

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? definitely

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? right now it's Frosted Mini-Wheats, ask me again in a few months and you'll get a different answer :o)

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? no, and then Rach yells at me

12. DO YOU THINK YOU ARE STRONG? no

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Soy Delicious Purely Decadent Cherry Nirvana

14. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 7 1/2

15. FAVORITE COLOR? antique red

16. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? my tummy

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? Niko and his Greek accent :o(

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO SEND THIS BACK TO YOU? preferably

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING? I'm in a T-shirt and underwear

20. LAST THING YOU ATE? noodle soup (from dinner yesterday)

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? my kitty Timmy purring

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? red

23. FAVORITE SMELL? Rach's hair; men's aftershave

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Rach at work

25. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? their BOOBIES! I'm just kidding, their smile :o)

26. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Joy is a sweetheart :o)

27. FAVORITE DRINK? Snapple Mint Tea

28. FAVORITE SPORTS? baseball and soccer

29. EYE COLOR? green or blue depending on who you ask

30. HAT SIZE? I look stupid in hats, and this is not Erin being insecure, I really do

31. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? yes

32. FAVORITE FOOD? depends on my mood...but I'm always up for Indian food (hint, hint!)

33. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? aren't these one in the same? stupid people die in scary movies, which makes for happy endings - YAY!

34. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING? burgundy

35. SUMMER OR WINTER? fall

36. HUGS OR KISSES? are they from somebody gross? if not, both!!! I'm a SLUT!

37. FAVORITE DESSERT? cannolis

38. WHO IS MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? whoever's the most bored

39. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Rach

40. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? The Te of Piglet...Romancing the Ordinary (again)...Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom

41. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? a doggy in a mailbox

42. WHAT DID YOU WATCH LAST NIGHT ON TV? Law & Order, of course ;o)

43. FAVORITE SOUNDS? cat purrs; the ocean; snow falling

44. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? the Beatles, baby!

45. THE FURTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? San Diego

46. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I can do a split???

47. AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? Wilson Hospital in JC

48. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Joy, my favorite witch ;o)

6:55PM - capricious Erin

Feels like Rach and I have been out of touch with each other lately...we've agreed it's general stress and nervousness about the upcoming doctor appointment in Philly regarding her transition.

Nothing exciting has been happening...just classes and life. Spending lots of time either in front of the AC or in the pool to avoid the heat.

I've been anticipating fall and winter, the holidays. I know I should knock it off, as soon as the snow starts falling, I'll be dreaming of planting flowers and swimming, muttering curses as I shovel the driveway or take out the trash.

But I can't help myself: picking out the perfect pumpkin, having leaf fights and just the mysterious feeling of autumn...all the work and time that goes into making Thanksgiving dinner so yummy...the warmth and coziness of hot cocoa, a fleece blanket, and a good book as the snow falls outside the windows...laughing at my cats when they decide that the present I'm wrapping right then makes a great hiding place...walking the streets near my house and admiring the Christmas lights.

I'm a dork. The heat has gotten to me.

8:34PM - AAAAHHHHHHH!!!

Okay, the verdict is in...

I suck at typing with the right fingers, dammit.

nurhginkjiuihnjfodsi9fuhgknjhgupoi

I hate keyboarding :oÞ

12:07PM - holy #%&$!

Rach and I went out Wednesday to get some pictures of the devastating flooding in the area and we decided to check out Newark Valley, where her parents live, because it generally floods pretty badly there. The bridge near their house was fine, Rach wanted to stop in and see how her family was doing, so I waited in the car.

To give those of you who are not aware of the situation a clue, Rach's family originally decided when we got back together in 2003 they would have nothing to do with her except around the holidays because they felt it went against biblical principles. I have had absolutely NO contact with them, except when I happen to answer our phone. Her mom had sorta relaxed a bit recently and things were slowly, VERY slowly, seeming better; Rach went over to their house on occasion and they both worked at the same place on the weekends.

Back to Wednesday, Rach comes back out on the porch and motions for me to come in. I was shocked, my tummy started doing back-flips. Her mom told us to take a seat and we chatted for a bit, very weird, but I guess in a good way. Then her dad came home from work and he and Rach went outside to discuss the whole trans issue, leaving me alone with her mom. AAAAAAAHHHHHHH! I kept the conversation going because I hate awkward silences, especially with her. We discussed laundry, Rach's sisters, I asked for a recipe. Finally we sat in the living room to catch the news, I found out she loves Law and Order. YAY! Rach's mom rocks! While it started out a bit uncomfortable, we kinda ended up chatting like we used to before Rach and I. It was very nice.

Rach gets back in with her dad and I'm dying to know what he said because Rach has this weird expression on her face; I can't read whether it was a good bonding experience or a bad one. We stayed a little longer and then left to get more pictures.

She tells me in the car that her dad feels better about her being trans than being a lesbian. (Cue Erin saying "WTF?!") He's pondering about involving me for holidays and he is willing to help pay for some of the things she wants to change. This is a totally different reaction than what I had in mind. In the Baptist circles I grew up in, being trans was worse than being gay. You're defying how God made you, end of story.

We will see how things work out...I know Rach's sister's and their husbands will NOT be okay with this, but the fact that we could quite possibly have somewhat of a relationship with her parents is both amazing and scary :o)

To be continued...

1:43PM - Rain, rain...

I miss the sunshine.

Shut up, Niko.

I have a crush on the lead singer of AFI, he looks hot in make-up. I want him.

I can't get this song out of my head.

*apathetic regarding the lameness of this entry*

3:53PM - housework is boring...

Your Porn Star Name Is...

Tasty Treats

Um, okay...

What Your Underwear Says About You

You tend to buy new underwear instead of doing laundry. You're sexy, in that pinup girl, tease sort of way.

Holy crap! How did it know my laundry habits???

You're an Passionate Kisser

For you, kissing is about all about following your urges If someone's hot, you'll go in for the kiss - end of story You can keep any relationship hot with your steamy kisses A total spark plug - your kisses are bound to get you in trouble

Oh, baby ;o)

I had such a great time at Litha this weekend. Got a little too happy with the raspberry mead. Met new friends.

Looking forward to the next rit :o)

6:14AM - yum!

How satisfying it is to pick strawberries from your own garden for breakfast.

6:16AM - queer people rock!

Went with Rach and Shelly to Merlin's the other night, we had a CRAZY time :o) It was Trash Thursday, which essentially means there would be a drag king/drag queen show. Watched people dancing for a while. We were pretty amused with this one lady's dancing techniques...think Elaine on "Seinfeld", although I shouldn't talk because my butt never made it to the floor.

Finally, the drag show started...it was awesome :o) Shelly and I were admitting to each other how um, "frisky" one of the drag kings was making us, and Shelly did this little happy dance that she does. Unfortunately for her, the DJ saw it and she was the official person to pick on for the rest of the night. We ended up being chosen to play this game involving both stripping and making other people in the bar strip. Very interesting. Rach was molested by a couple of the drag queens - yumminess ;o)

Needless to say, we have plans Thursday night.

Going with Shelly to Litha today. I'm excited, this will be my first rit on Glen's land :o) I'm in need of some spiritual time out, so this will be good.

I'm REALLY nervous about the whole testosterone thing. I want Rach to do it because it's very important to her...but there will be changes, and I'm scared. Scared because she will be different, scared because I know that the general population is full of transphobic ass holes, scared in general. I'll just have to get over it.

Back to bed with me :o)

12:18PM - trans thoughts...

After watching that movie the other night, I googled Gwen Araujo and came across this article:

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?file=/chronicle/archive/2004/05/30/INGE86ROJB1.DTL

Her picture is haunting:



Makes me think. Why is gender so damn important to us? Seems shallow.

11:32PM - *sniff*

I just watched "Girl Like Me." I don't think a movie has ever made me cry so hard. Except maybe "Boys Don't Cry." Ignorant people suck.